I should be happy . . .

. . . I am finally finished with the one (that's right - 1!) paper that I had to write this semester. But, oh boy, was it a process. The prof that it was for has a system of due dates that I really liked. If we handed our paper in by the first due date, it would be marked with copious comments throughout. However, we had a weeks grace period after that date within which we could submit our paper without penalty, the catch being that it would be marked without comments. After this week was up, we had another week in which we could submit it, but we would lose 10% each day. Like I said, I really liked how he had this set up.

So anyways, when we first got the assignment, I had my time all mapped out. I was going to get this paper written in plenty of time, and make it an awesome paper. I needed it too, as I bombed my mid-term pretty badly (for me at least - some may argue it was still a decent mark, but not I). I had every intention of having my paper written in time to hand in for the first due date. I like me my comments! Needless to say, even despite having a long weekend to write it in (not to mention the month or so since it was assigned), that didn't happen. Ok, so then I planned to write it the next weekend, thus still giving myself time to edit and revise and generally make it a great paper. Well that didn't happen either. What a surprise, I found myself furiously writing the night before it was due, trying to pull a half-decent paper out of my ass.

Of course, this shouldn't have been a surprise, as it is the exact same thing that happens with every single assignment I complete and every single test I study for. It can be seen in all the classes I skip and the reading I don't do. You see, I have this horrible habit of sabotaging myself. I always start with the best of intentions, but those intentions never translate into actions. The part that really bothers me is that I don't know why I continue to do this to myself when I know that it is not good and when I don't want to do it. I don't know if it is because I am bored with the things I have to do/find them too easy and so am trying to challenge myself. Maybe it's because I want to see how far I can push it before I crash and burn. Perhaps I'm trying to show myself/others how great I am - Look! I can leave this to the last minute/not study/etc and still pull off an A.

I suspect it has a little to do with all of the above and is also related to being seen as the goody-two-shoes/teacher's pet/nerd/genius/etc by the vast majority of people. It drives me crazy when people, especially my friends who knowknow the answer, or how I can't make a mistake, or how I'm a "genius," or about how much smarter I am than them, or about being valedictorian, etc, etc, ad infinitum. I think that I'm trying to push it to see how far I can go - how good I really am, and also to make it seem like I'm not so great/perfect/nerdy - that I don't care.

I don't know. I just wish I would stop doing it, because it is insanely stressful and unhealthy. Especially as I am usually interested in whatever it is I am doing, and want to learn more about it, and understand it, and just generally enjoy it when I do get around to doing it (well, not the work part, but the learning part). The worst part is that it results in a finished project that is not my best effort and that really bugs me. If there is one thing that is important to me, it is to always do my best with everything I do. I know that if I were truly to put my best effort into what I do, or at least a decent one, I can do some pretty awesome stuff. I mean, I can do a half-assed job and still come out with A's and A+'s. Not to mention the fact that the work I'm doing now is going to, you know, affect the rest of my life? Ya, there's that little fact to consider as well. I mean, I want to go to grad school and get a PhD. What the hell am I thinking?

I think, too, that some of it has to do with the fact that I am scared about what will happen if I do give my best effort. Either I will do my best and it won't be good enough and I will fail or I will do my best, and it will be really good and then people will expect too much of me and what if I can't deliver on their expectations the next time? I can't be perfect all the time and at everything. That goes back to what I said about not likeing it when poeple refer to me as intellegent, bring up the fact that I was valedictorian, etc. Doing my best on something is just setting myself up for failure on another thing. I'm afraid that I will disappoint/let people down. I know, I know, I just need to stop worrying about others so much and focus on doing right by myself (ugh, I hate that turn of phrase). "I promise to do my best, be true to myself . . . " Oh, ya, that promise I make every week . . .

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It's interesting, I'm reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand right now, and I read The Fountainhead previous to this. One of the main themes of these two books, and I gather from that, of her philosophy, is doing your absolute best at all times for your own sake and not being concerned with others. Those who worry about what otehrs think and live thier lives for and through others are at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak. I don't know, I'm not explaining it very well. I haven't thought it through all that much yet. It's still very much at that intuitive stage in the back of my mind, rather than at a stage where I can articulate it clearly. I do have to say, however, that I am really enjoying her books, even without the philosophical aspect, which makes them that much better. She's a good writer and they give me something to think about, which is what a good book should do.

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Anyways, whatever the case may be, I don't like this aspect of my personality and am trying to improve it. It's slow going, though. Maybe with the next paper . . .

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All this reminds me of a quote that I really like. I first heard it in the movie Akeelah and the Bee which was a much better movie than I expected it to be, but I digress. I am trying to remember its message.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brillant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest teh glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consiously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Nelson Mandela

Yup. That pretty much sums up everything I was trying to say in this rambly, incoherent post. I'm going to bed.