Et fiber dicit

So . . . I've decided to give this blog thing another try, and already I'm not sure what I want to talk about. The problem I have, I think, is that while I have a lot of things running through my head, I have a hard time putting them down on paper coherently. Give me an assignment for school, and I can bang out a paper, no problem (and a pretty decent one, too, if I do say so myself). I can read another person's writing and immediately think of ways that it could be improved. However, I have never been very good at writing about myself. There have been many times throughout my life when I have tried to keep a journal, but it has never worked out. I always feel so dumb writing to myself. As well, rather than being interesting and coherent, it generally turns into random, stream of consciousness shit that I look back on and ask myself, "Why am I bothering to keep this? It's not interesting. It's not something I'm going to want to look back on in five, ten, fifty, or whatever, years." Yet, there is always something running through my head. An idea I am trying to flesh out. A memory of some event. A conversation I would like to have with someone. And it is driving me insane. I need to get it out, and a lot of it is things that I don't want to tell people, or that they wouldn't care about listening to. Some I am deciding to put it out to the Internets. And yes, I do see the irony in is, but I figure chances are pretty slim that anyone will bother to read it. With any luck, it will keep me from feeling stupid about writing to myself, while at the same time, putting it in a place where no one will really read it (or at least if they do, I will still have some degree of anonymity). I don't know, I may just end up abandoning this like my many other varied attempts. Only time will tell, I guess.
Part of the reason I want to start this is for my mental health. I have - well, really, I am - struggled with some pretty bad depression. In some ways, I feel a desire/need/expectation to speak to a therapist/psychologist/whatever. However, doing so has yet to work out for me. Again, I feel so dumb about the stuff I want to talk about, and I generally end up lying or sugar coating things or hiding important things etc etc, all of which makes therapy totally ineffective. I think, however, that just getting some of this stuff out of my head and stored somewhere else may help. We'll see - again, time will tell.
Plus, there are so many blogs out there that I read and love (So! Many!) and so some of this is that little kid desire to be like people I admire. Many of the blogs I read are related to what I would like to do with my life, and they provide me with an idea of what such a life may be like, as well as some advice about pursuing such a life. Then again, I already waste way too much time reading blogs. I definitely don't need another source of procrastination. For indeed, I am most definitely the queen of procrastination. For example, the paper I need to write this weekend? Ya, haven't started it yet. But back to the important things! I will give this blog a try and see how it goes, but I'm not promising anything. One of my main goals in life is to be wise and profound, but I have a long way to go before I can even consider myself close to those qualities!